Inward Parts

“My heart is overflowing with a good theme; I recite my composition concerning the King; My tongue is the pen of a ready writer.” Psalm 45:1

Have you ever had a deep splinter, well beyond the reach of tweezers or even a needle? If you have, you probably experienced a slow movement from deep within, as that splinter, accompanied by swelling, infection, and considerable pain, was forcibly ejected to the surface by your faithful flesh. One day, behold, the splinter is within reach, and once removed, healing begins. A splinter, you see, is a foreign object. Our bodies have no internal receptacle for unwanted, unwelcome interlopers. Splinters are detrimental to our function, and therefore are disposed of tidily by our bodies.


Long ago, something very difficult happened to me. Since then, though forgiveness and restoration took place, I have carried in my heart terrible shame and sadness. I have struggled through the years to put it aside, to forget it, or to ignore it, to no avail. Shame became part of who I am. I truly thought that I would be free of it only in death.

One consideration was left out of this self-inflicted terminal prognosis. The heart, soul, and mind that were sick belong to the Great Physician!


Psalm 51 is David’s prayer of repentance after his adultery with Bathsheba and the subsequent murder of her husband Uriah. In the psalm, David declares to God, “Against You, You only, have I sinned,”. I have marveled more than once at this statement. He has sent a faithful servant/soldier to his death, implicated other soldiers in the murder, lead a woman into adultery, and sees his sin as inflicted only upon the Lord. My reckoning would have spread David’s guilt. John MacArthur states regarding the passage: “David realized what every believer seeking forgiveness must, that even though he had tragically wronged Bathsheba and Uriah, his ultimate crime was against God and His holy law." Hmmm.

Over the course of several remarkable days, I began to be bombarded with thoughts of my shame, and the need to be rid of it. In my weakness, I argued silently, and somewhat angrily that it was not worth addressing, that this was “between the Lord and me”. Surely others were not affected by it, as I did not allow it to impact my family, friends, and contacts. At one point I murmured David’s words (completely out of context, which I can be very good at!) to justify not dealing with getting my heart and head free of this emotional debris. Slowly, I began to grasp that the thing between David and God also stood between God & me. Sin. I didn’t need pity, I needed forgiveness.

The good news is…. The Good News! My savior died for me. He died that I might be reconciled to Him. He died to be the receptacle of the splinters of a fallen world that lodge in my flesh. “Cast your burden on Jesus, for He cares for you”. AMEN!

I was guilty of putting limitations on my God. I did not think it was worth His time to ask Him to help me fix this. I think that I didn’t think He could do it. I was guilty of minimizing His holiness. He has told me to “be Holy, for I am Holy.” Yet I did not repent of what was ultimately the sin of pride.

Psalm 51 has another, better revelation for me. In verse 6, David says of the Lord, “Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part you will make me to know wisdom.” Before Christ died, He said, “It is finished”. When we are sinned against, we must put aside any residual emotion that remains. Those emotions are nearly always for me, “the sin that so easily encumbers”. He died for the sin, and He died to grant freedom from the sin.

My shame was an outgrowth of a sinful, over-exaggerated opinion of myself. When last I looked, a slave of Christ doesn’t have a lot of time to spend getting upset over her perceived self-worth. I am grateful for this appointment with my Divine “Primary Care Physician”, and I pray that in the future, I will go more quickly to Him who heals and sets us free. Tweezers not required.

The wise shall inherit glory,
but SHAME shall be
the legacy of fools. Prov. 3:35

New Directions in the New Year


We have stepped quickly into the second month of 2008, and the word from China has continued to dismay us. The dream of bringing Juliet Grace home seems dim, the memories of our excitement and anticipation echo in our thoughts. How do we reconcile this wait with our desire to grow our family? Do we turn our back on China and begin somewhere else? Do we enter the difficulty of domestic private adoption? Do we just wait?

For years we have had friends and family encourage us to explore domestic foster/adoption through the State of Texas. We have heard both success stories that inspire, and heartbreaking tales that bring us to tears. We have personally watched beloved friends begin two foster/adoptions that were prematurely terminated as the children were returned to their birth moms.

We recently attended an informational meeting about the potential of entering either an adoption program, or the “foster to adopt” program through Lutheran Social Services, who facilitates for families with CPS through the process. The meeting was sobering.

Having completed Farm Boy’s international adoption through a private agency, and having begun our wait for Juliet from China through another, we had grown accustomed to the sugar-coated version of adoption information. With both international adoptions, the pros were heavily emphasized, the cons minimized and “airbrushed” for ease of digestion. This meeting was the opposite of those two experiences. We were not being wooed, we were being warned. The list of potential “issues” that may accompany the foster/adoptive children into your home are frightening, and unspeakably sad. The very program is frightening, in that the parents of the children who enter your home have not yet had their parental rights terminated. And though the state and the agency believe that there is a very good chance that the rights will be terminated, there are no guarantees until this court ordered action is completed sometimes a year after the child enters into your home. We went with the express purpose of finding about adoption only, possibly of a sibling group of two or three children. Foster/adopt was not even on our minds. But the more we heard, the more both our hearts, simultaneously, were turned in this direction! The exclamation point denotes the rarity in which this phenomenon takes place in our home. I can hardly think of a time that both of us arrived at the same conclusion at the same time. Most frequently we play “wait and pray” as we decide about major life decisions. One of us feels strongly, the other does not. Occasionally we quickly get to the same point, sometimes we agree to disagree. But I cannot think of a single time (okay, other than starting our new church, but that’s another blog entry) when we have had such immediate agreement about something so foreign to our natures ~foreign because we are not by design emotional risk takers ~ foreign because we thrive on schedules and security and “sure things”.

What does foster/adopt mean for our family? It means that we hang our hearts out there, and hope we survive. It means that if we get a call from the agency, we bring this child, or these children in, and we love them, feed them, protect them, as if they were our own, but that we pray contrary to our natures. We are to pray that the birth parents get themselves together and reach the point that these children can return home. It means that we tell ourselves every single day for that year that we are shield and a defense for these children until we are told we can rest, and that if they are taken back, that we are to thank the Lord and to praise Him for allowing us to be there when He needed us.

Can we do this? NO! A thousand times, NO! Not in our own strength. Can we do this through the power of the Holy Spirit, trusting in the sovereignty of God, telling ourselves and believing it that if He does not want these children to remain always in our life, then we would not want them to stay? We think so. We have two beautiful children who are ours to keep. The wonder of that statement takes my breath away, when I think of the longings we have had over the years. We also have Juliet Grace, somewhere in our future, God-willing, our daughter in China, who may in two or three years make it into our arms, and into our hearts.

The new church is a different post, and that post will come, but let me tell you that the focus there is love. It is not doctrine, it is not denomination, it is not theological wrestling, it is LOVE. It is the goal of our instruction. It is the two greatest commandments. It is grown-up stuff, pouring yourself out like a drink offering for a Saviour who taught you how. So we bend our heads and ask Him for guidance as we begin to pursue this foster adoption journey.

One of our favorite songs is “May the Words of My Mouth” by Tim Hughes. It is a good reflection of our hearts in this matter. Go ahead, find it and download it. It’s wonderful. If I ever become a little technologically savvy, I’ll find a way to play it on the blog. The words follow:

May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart

Bless Your name, bless Your name, Jesus

And the deeds of the day and the truth in my ways

Speak of You, speak of You, Jesus

For this is what I'm glad to do

It's time to live a life of love that pleases You

And I will give my all to You

Surrender everything I have and follow You

I'll follow You

Lord, will You be my vision,

Lord, will You be my guide

Be my hope, be my light and the way

And I'll look not for riches, nor praises on earth

Only You'll be the first of my heart

I will follow

I will follow

I will follow You